“Strangers” and the Problem with Privilege
I don’t like rich people. I think we need to shame them more for flaunting their wealth when most of us are living paycheck to paycheck rather than celebrate them for holding up our economy without distribution to the masses. (NPR) However, I will acknowledge that rich people are still human and still experience human problems and I think, often, their immense privilege can exacerbate their human problems.
For example, “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage” by Belle Burden is less of a memoir about a dissolved twenty year relationship and the fallout from a sudden divorce during COVID and more of a journal about a rich woman’s realization that her financial privilege cannot protect her from the audacity of men.
It’s no secret Belle Burden comes from money. Not even just “I’m comfortable” money. More like “my husband and I fought over whether to buy our second home in the Hamptons or Martha’s Vineyard” money. Even if you weren’t aware Belle Burden is a descendent of the Vanderbilts before reading the book (which I did not), the book itself makes it explicitly clear that the author lives in an entirely different tax income bracket than any of us will see in our lifetimes. She casually namedrops how Calvin Klein designed her wedding dress as a favor to her mom, how Truman Capote beefed with her grandma, and there are paragraphs full of luxury brands assumed to be known by the audience reading her book. Most of the contention of the divorce that drives the focus of the book is surrounding the finances and the pre-nuptial agreement impacting her outcome in the legal battle.
This level of financial absurdity does, admittedly, make it tough to connect to the author’s tribulations with her divorce. For example, she gets wildly upset about her husband holding to the terms of their pre-nuptial agreement that she had plenty of opportunity to re-visit in their 20 years of marriage, as if that’s not the point of a pre-nuptial agreement. Meanwhile, most people I know struggle to even afford to get married let alone set up financial agreements prior to the marriage to protect their assets (if there is anything worth protecting in the first place). Burden also appeared to still retain a secure safety net even if her ex-husband was brutal in the proceedings. She still had the ability to work without income and people to help take care of the kids that her husband wanted no custody of (which side note: absolute INSANE stance to take as a parent. If I was in that position, I would absolutely deny him any right to see them, like he wants, and yes that even includes attending their graduation. He shouldn’t get to take credit as a father without doing the work of a parent.). A lot of people who get divorced at much lower income brackets are often devastated by the results, actually losing their homes or becoming overwhelmed by the shift in childcare requirements or being required to seek other employment for additional financial support which, spoiler alert, none of which happens to Burden. They also, definitely, usually, don’t have the time or energy to write and then pursue publication for their thoughts on the event after taking not one, but TWO paid writing classes on the subject.
But this amount of mostly unacknowledged privilege appears to also be the cause for Burden’s troubles. With her financial security, she is able to regularly defer responsibility for choices that people without the same privilege have to remain accountable for or risk devastating their entire livelihood. Poor people typically know exactly how many nickels and dimes are in their account before they purchase a coffee. Meanwhile, she can afford to offset management of her finances to advisors and, more importantly, her husband, which she views as an act of affection from him:
“I lost touch with both the big picture and the details of our financial life, depending on James to tell me what to do…I settled into the vagueness, the luxury and privilege of not knowing. And part of me liked it, the handing over. James's care for our money felt like his contribution to our family, the way he showed his love and commitment to me and the kids. There was something romantic about it too-the smart and honor-able man, the devoted husband and father, shouldering this part of our life.” -Belle Burden, “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage”
The fact she is able to view the unsupervised management of her finances as a form of affection rather than an anxiety also feels like an example of how her extreme privilege creates blind spots that eventually wreck havoc in her life. After all, her deferment of financial responsibility to her husband is framed as a testament of her trust and commitment to their relationship, that her ability to allow him full management of everything shows the strength of their connection. While it’s admirable to express devotion and trust in a relationship, most people can’t afford to express that commitment through this level of deferred responsibility. Typically that commitment is expressed through other acts that don’t involve money because people just can’t afford the risk of losing their livelihood through something as whimsical as “love”. It’s just another example of the immense financial absurdity that Burden was raised in to permit the luxury of allowing someone else to manage her finances without worry.
I think the primary issue is that since Burden was raised in such a money rich environment and continues that lifestyle into her adulthood, she often conflates materialism with affection. For the culture she was raised in, it would be considered a disapproving arrangement for her to not trust her husband with her money. Not only that, but the issue is that, thanks to her immense financial privilege, Burden never really had a risk of losing her lifestyle before this divorce. She’s never had to worry where her next meal would come from or where she would sleep or if her kids would get a good education. So in a life where her money allowed mostly good things to happen for her, how was she supposed to expect something bad to happen to her? When she’s been deferring responsibility for her life, how was she supposed to react when that devastating thing happened when she had no skills to prevent it from happening? Her financial security provided a good life, but it also created a shelter for her to be protected from the harder realities that come with financial insecurity.
As a result, her privilege doesn’t protect her from an audacious ex-husband claiming anything he can from the divorce (except for the kids which is STILL SO WILD. He refuses to even commit to Thursday night dinners with them?! Brutal.) and actually hinders her ability to handle it. She continually expresses disbelief at the people in her life who sided with her husband claiming the terms of the pre-nuptial agreement even though the agreement no longer worked in her favor because, since everything has gone pretty well for her in life so far (and she doesn’t actually hold money to any meaningful value), she expects grace to be as given as her financial security. But people who’ve actually worked for their money and take responsibility for it know mercy can be rare when it comes to finances. It can take years to save for a large expense, only to immediately lose it overnight with an emergency. Someone raised in a lifestyle where employment is optional and a key to a private beach in Martha’s Vineyard is a sign of affection rather than an impossible luxury likely would not understand that reality. It would also likely be seen as a massive breach of trust if love is only seen through the money and money suddenly becomes a target for retribution rather than just a fact of life that this is something that happens in a divorce.
While it’s seen as a rude move by the ex-husband to actually hold to the terms of the pre-nuptial, it should not be unexpected. People are allowed to be rude. It’s not nice of them, but it is something that is within their right to do. (There’s also probably another conversation about how if the roles were reversed, Burden would’ve likely been celebrated for empowering herself through holding to the terms of the pre-nuptial no matter what, but I don’t think this article is ready for that right now.)
And while it should’ve been Burden’s burden to handle her own finances, it’s also not unexpected given the lifestyle she grew up with to trust that her privilege would protect her no matter what happened in her life. How was she supposed to expect that privilege would become a double-edged sword to worsen an already contentious situation in her life? She was denied the opportunity of learning responsibility for her actions in exchange for the luxury of perceived safety and was burned once that safety net was removed without warning. It would be nice if we lived in a world where folks granted kindness graciously and we could remain secure in our trust in others, but there’s also strength in acknowledging that reality doesn’t always reflect this idealism. It’s important to still maintain responsibility and not allow privilege to blind us to the full potential of our lives, both good and bad.
From my reading of “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage” by Belle Burden, it’s supposed to be a story about one woman surviving the incredibly tough act of a sudden divorce during a global pandemic. However, when survival comes easy thanks to the immense privilege offered by absurd financial security, it makes it a struggle for the less privileged to connect to the story. I want to empathize with Burden’s emotional struggle, because I’m sure the dissolution of a 20 year relationship is incredibly devastating regardless of your income bracket. But most of her trouble appears to be exacerbated by a privilege I’ll never get to experience only granted to her through generational wealth and that’s where I struggle to identify with the narrative or connect emotionally to an author who conflates materialism with love. It’s not a lifestyle I recognize, or aspire to, and the financial absurdity detracts from the narrative rather than contributes.
This is a book that probably should’ve stayed in a therapy session (and probably would’ve, if the author didn’t come from such prominent financial privilege), but it’s great if other people can connect to it. I hope it allows them to recognize how their own individual privileges likely won’t protect them from the harsh realities of life and help them take better responsibility for their actions.
My other takeaways from the memoir:
No one should get married, regardless of their income bracket.
Women should be more difficult in their relationships. Seriously, don’t make your cheating ex-husband a sandwich while announcing your separation to your children just because he asked for one when he was hungry. Tell the man-child no or, better yet, “are you actually kidding me”
Ospreys. Just, a whole lot of Ospreys.
Osprey!