“It is what it is” is a staple of a mantra in Midwest America. Similar to the Filipino philosophy of “bahala na”, “it is what it is” teaches users to accept the conditions they are given so they can handle the situation as it is rather than wasting time or energy wishing for an alternative that will never happen. Flat tire on your way to a concert you’ve been planning for half a year? It is what it is. Dog throws up while you’re on a Zoom call with your boss? It is what it is. For the tough and ready Americans raised in the practical, yet occasionally brutal, Midwest, “it is what it is” is the well practiced mantra of acceptance to provide a light through the dark tunnels of life or even just a flare of hope during a time of stress.

But what if we looked at “it is what it is” through the lens of love and relationships? Then we would find one of the crucial pillars found in “The Unshakeable Road to Love” by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna needed to build a value centered relationship: acceptance.

“The Unshakeable Road to Love” by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is a nonfiction self-help psychology book based upon Eternal Principles from all world scriptures, including Zen, to “to build a foundation in relationships where happiness and well-being are inevitable, and pain, upset and conflict can dissolve on the spot.” While I believe some of the concepts and thoughts explored in this book could’ve been organized a little more cohesively, this book offers excellent insight into the pillars required for building value centered relationships and I found myself taking notes alongside my reading to better understand the material in my own terms and retain it for future reference. I especially enjoyed how it explored and explained values from Zen and Judaism beliefs to create the foundations necessary to build fulfilling relationships and how it didn’t explicitly define what type of relationship could be built from these teachings. The lessons found in this book could be applied to any type of relationship, regardless of whether it is romantic or platonic.

One of the recurring lessons that appear frequently throughout the book is the theme of acceptance. It argues that allowing the other person, and yourself, to show up as you are rather than with set expectations or a fantasy of how the relationship should grow creates a more authentic and fulfilling experience for every party involved. Accepting the relationship as it is also removes a degree of uncertainty and anxiety about failing to fulfill an impossible ideal or expectation that can’t be matched due to the nature of the connection.

However, it also requires cultivating the ability to accept “it is what it is”. It’s natural for humans to expect more from their lives and partners. Especially in our current productivity and goal focused culture, we feel that if our relationships aren’t progressing at a certain speed or meeting arbitrary metrics required to meet those false expectations, then the relationship is failing. But acknowledging and accepting the relationship as it is allows both parties to develop a more natural and authentic connection more true to the relationship.

Relationships need the good and the bad in order to be truly fulfilling. Accepting the other person as they are allows you to work through the pains that can strain the relationship together to enjoy the unique benefits provided from developing a connection with that person. For toxic or unhealthy relationships, accepting the other person as they are fully in that moment allows clarity to understand the relationship in its full capacity, including the clarity to terminate the relationship if that clarity reveals that it no longer serves oneself to continue. One exercise the book encourages is that if there is a conflict, to allow the other person to be right and see how that feels. Accepting the other person’s perspective allows you to grow in that capability to accept “it is what it is” in the relationship and also allows the connection to become an authentic relationship.

It’s also important to note that this value of acceptance is not just applicable to accepting the other person in the relationship as they are. The need for acceptance to grow in connection to others also applies to your perception of yourself. If you cannot accept yourself for how you are, then you cannot allow others to accept you as you are either. Another person providing an emotional connection, either platonic or romantic, cannot resolve what you fail to accept with your own character. But that doesn’t mean being isolated from human connection in a mountain for twenty years until you learn to accept yourself fully. Learning how to love and accept yourself should be a lifelong journey, especially as you grow in understanding yourself and the world around you. Your relationship with yourself deserves that same acceptance of “it is what it is” that is expected for relationships with others.

Luckily, learning how to have compassion for others and accept them as they are through authentic relationships allows you to grow in that practice for yourself. If you can have empathy for others’ faults and accept them as full humans full of complex nuances, then you can grow in empathy for yourself too and learn how to see yourself as a full human worthy of compassion too. The external validation from another person looking with kindness upon a character trait that you might deem a fault can also help you grow in self-compassion and accept yourself as you are. But all of this can only be achieved through acceptance and resisting the urge to define a connection from false expectations or fantasies.

“It is what it is” can be a grim outlook on a desperate situation or a wonderful invitation to grow moving forward with the experience as it is. Either way, it’s important to cultivate acceptance as a foundational pillar for building value based relationships to allow a more authentic connection with the world around us.

If you’re looking for more guidance on additional pillars required to build value based relationships, I recommend checking out “The Unshakeable Road to Love” by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, available on both Barnes & Noble and Amazon. If you want more insight on growing an authentic life, you can check out my recent blog post where I reviewed “How to be Authentic” by Skye Cleary too.

Disclaimer: A free copy of this book was provided in exchange for this review. You may read more about this blog tour at the following link: https://muffin.wow-womenonwriting.com/2023/08/the-unshakeable-road-to-love-by-dr.html

Also please note that this advice should not be applicable to abusive relationships and to seek help from a professional if needed. I am just a book nerd reflecting her own thoughts about relationships from a self-help book.