The Three Life Lessons I Learned From Watching All (Most) of the Alien vs. Predator Franchise
A little known fact about me is that I love a good dumb movie. Rom-coms, monsters, superheroes - if it’s dumb and silly and lets me turn off my brain for a solid sixty to ninety minutes, I’m a big fan. So when my Hulu started pushing the Alien vs. Predator franchise to me for who knows what reason (probably because the all knowing algorithm in charge of our lives figured out my dumb movie love), I figured that this was my time to shine and dive into one of the most iconic dumb monster movie franchises of all time.
Folks, this silly side quest to watch all (most) of the Alien vs. Predator movies unintentionally became a chapter of my life that I believe developed my character as a human person on this earth. For the better? That has yet to be seen. But I laughed, I screamed, I didn’t cry, I built some Legos, I learned some cool catchphrases to shout at something that just killed all of my himbo soldier best friends, and most importantly I learned that Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) is the worst thing ever created in the history of anything. Like it’s not even just a bad movie. It’s just a bad thing in general.
Here are the three life lessons I learned while watching all (most) of the Alien vs. Predator movies.
Life Lesson #1: It’s okay to give up.
The first life lesson I learned while watching this iconic monster movie franchise actually came while I was still prepping for the watch. Even though most of the movies were initially reported to be on my existing streaming services, I vowed to be so dedicated to my watch that I’d rent or buy the missing copies as I watched them in release order. (Side note: if you want to try to figure out the mess that is the chronological watch for your own attempt, be my guest but I’m not good at math.)
I immediately hit a blocker with the second movie Aliens (1986).
In the fashion of a true King Solomon parable, once I was faced with the actual event of buying a movie I’d likely only ever watch once for a silly side quest in my life, I surrendered my dedication to a truly loyal watch of the entire franchise. I skipped movies as needed to only watch the movies through Hulu, which did contain a majority of the franchise.
This ended up being for the best because if you ever get around to watching Alien 3 (1992), you’ll know that it negates the entire purpose of Aliens (1986) within the first 15 minutes of the film. If you enjoyed Aliens (1986), this is a horrible situation. But if you skipped it, like me, and just enjoyed Alien 3 (1992) right after Predator 2 (1990) with little memory of Alien (1979) to set any meaningful precedent, it makes Alien 3 (1992) a much more pleasant experience. So giving up allowed me to enjoy Alien 3 (1992) much more than the average Alien fan.
Also, as I got deeper into my watch, I was thrilled that I allowed myself to skip some of the more….creative additions to the franchise. By the time I crawled to the finish line of this watch, I needed Prey (2022) like water in a desert and that was after skipping, like, half of the Predator movies. I can only imagine my desperation if I actually had gone through the effort of spending extra of my hard earned time and money hunting down movies that would be three star watches at best or the worst thing to ever grace my television screen at worst.
Not to mention, I feel like a ton of characters from both sides of the franchise would have survived if they just, like, gave up and didn’t keep pursuing the big scary alien monsters wreaking havoc in their lives. Do you know why Sigourney Weaver survived all of her appearances in the Alien franchise? Because her character actively tried to give up multiple times! Because that was the smart thing to do! The problem was that other people wouldn’t let her give up to the point where they kept bringing her back even after she successfully gave up!
So never be afraid to give up, folks! Especially if you’re the creators of Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)! (More on this in a bit, but you know what you did.)
Life Lesson #2: Stick to your values.
Out of the two franchises, I would have to say I’m a bigger Predator fan rather than an Alien fan. What can I say? I just enjoy the more action focused aspect, including how the first Predator (1987) involves a two minute scene where big bulky soldier himbos just shoot guns into an empty forest for relatively no reason and then say cheesy catchphrases. It’s great. Why don’t more movies let themselves be dorks like that?
But the other enjoyable aspect of the Predator franchise is that the Predators operate on a set of rules and values that determine how they hunt their prey. Having a monster baddie operate within set boundaries just makes the movies so much more enjoyable and interesting to watch rather than the generic Xenomorph animalistic model of “Plant eggs in anything soft after chasing them for a bit” as a thrill factor. When you see a Xenomorph, you already know they’re just going to attack without cognition. Meanwhile, the Predator has occasionally recognized humans as equals in their hunts based on the human’s actions against them and truly only act as a threat to their foes as a challenge to themselves. They don’t hunt the pregnant, the sick, or the young. They only attack if they know the prey should be able to defend and they challenge based on skill, hence going hand to hand against good ole Arnold even though they had the upper hand regarding weaponry.
These kinds of base morality rules set up a great antagonist for our human heroes in how the Predator is forced to limit their capabilities even though the audience knows their full potential and creates a compelling storytelling experience.
For the movies where Predator ignores their morals and kills without second thought or hesitation (pound sand, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)), it sucks.
But if they stick to their values, we get sweet-ass scenes where a human is gifted a weapon and shield made from Xenomorph body parts from a Predator because her character has developed to the point to be recognized as equal with the big scary hunter monster from outer space. How is that not the coolest thing to grace your eyeballs since Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to fist fight a Predator?
Life Lesson #3: Don’t let others gatekeep your joy.
The only thing I love more than watching a bad movie is performing a deep dive on every single movie I watch. I recognize that it’s obnoxious, but if I’m home I’m absolutely scrolling on my phone during the movie to see what more I can discover about it. IMDB is great for reading up on official movie trivia, but I also adore Letterboxd for the fans’ perspectives on a movie.
But if you read either of these things for any Alien vs. Predator movie, you’ll likely quickly recognize that the Alien vs. Predator fanbase absolutely hates fun and takes these dumb monster movies way too seriously.
Was Alien (1979) a revolutionary masterpiece in sci-fi horror that defined the genre and reinvented tension pacing in movies? Yes. Was it also a slow moving boring mess of confusing lore for casual movie viewers with problematic treatment of female characters being used for eye candy shots? Also yes. Both truths can and must exist in order for the art to thrive. We cannot hail Alien (1979) as a revolution if we cannot step forward and actually revolutionize cinema with improvements through the criticisms generated from its faults.
Glorifying Alien (1979) as an untouchable triumph in cinema resulted in Alien: Resurrection (1997), which was supposedly written as a love letter and tribute to the original movie after the critical and box office failure of Alien 3 (1992). However, Alien: Resurrection (1997) sucked. Alien 3 (1992) at least had some heart to it and a pretty solid plot if you ignore how the first fifteen minutes negated the preceding movies, but if you read the reviews online you’ll see more of a defense for the Ellen “Who do I have to bang to get off this ship” Ripley of Alien: Resurrection (1997) than Ellen “I’ll sacrifice myself rather than allow this creature to destroy humanity even though I’ve just experienced the worst of humanity” Ripley of Alien 3 (1992).
Fans also unanimously hate Alien vs. Predator (2004) (at least according to what I saw on the internet) and that movie absolutely slaps. We have the incredibly unique setting of an underground Mayan temple in Antarctica (WILD), amazing lore building with the concept of Predators farming Xenomorphs for hunts through human sacrifice (COOL), and a great cast of characters that, again, end with one of the characters proving themselves worthy enough to team up with the Predators to take down the Xenomorphs (BADASS HOW COULD YOU NERDS HATE THIS?!).
But, once again, due to the fan hate, the movie studios felt compelled to try and redo their failed attempt at an Alien vs. Predator movie which resulted in the god awful disgrace to media and the world in general, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007).
So, long story short, just enjoy whatever you want to enjoy. Don’t let others’ expectations and opinions form your own expectations and opinions for a movie or, like, life in general. At the end of the day, these are just dumb movies with silly monsters created to entertain people in bulk and put some money into some Hollywood exec’s pockets. Some wider narratives about humanity, masculinity, and the consequences of unintended pregnancy could be derived from the content, but that’s again up to the viewers’ discretion. You deserve to enjoy what you want to enjoy in the way you want to enjoy them. Sometimes that’s turning your brain off to watch Danny Glover chase a Predator through Los Angeles, sometimes it’s gleaning deeper messages of the meaning of existence through Prometheus (2012), and sometimes it’s just hating the worst movie you’ve ever seen to the point of entertainment and a personal vow of vindication.
Speaking of which:
Bonus Life Lesson Just for the Creators of Alien vs. Predator: Requiem: Give up on your dreams.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy would you make this absolute steaming pile of garbage? What compelled you to create the most generic cast of human characters that had the most basic plotlines with absolutely no depth or larger motivations and then made the movie so physically dark during the Alien vs. Predator parts that the humans were the only part we could follow? Was it money? Trick question - I know it was money. But not enough money in the world would’ve compelled a creator with any basic decency and self-respect to allow that hospital scene to occur. That hospital scene was so out of line and so unnecessary for the story and solely created just for the shock value, which is a pretty weak sell particularly since you literally nuked the entire story at the end of the movie. Talk about negating an entire movie’s purpose - at least Alien 3 (1992) had the decency to wait until the next movie to destroy their storyline. You literally forced every viewer of your movie to sit through two hours of garbage, asking us to invest our time and energy into being sold on your plot, tension, characters, and root for the safety of the town while also asking “who would win in a fight: Predator or a disgusting Predator/Xenomorph hybrid” and then proceeded to end the movie by literally nuking the entire town IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KEY BATTLE. Just wiped the whole thing off the map. You didn’t even allow us the decency to see who would win in that hypothetical fight, which was THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE MOVIE, before literally nuking the entire thing with no real story resolution. The entire experience was so incredibly terrible that even after the credits rolled, I was stuck sitting on my couch for ten minutes in complete silence as I processed the disaster of a movie I was forced to witness as a result of your money-grabbing refusal to accept that Alien vs. Predator (2004) slapped as a movie.
Give me my Xenopmorph skeleton spear and shield, meet me in the studio parking lot, and prepare to give up on your dreams because you’ve created the worst thing to grace this good earth. May Sigourney Weaver have mercy on your soul.
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