Nine Liars and Codependency in Friendships
Friendship is incredible. It’s the family you choose, the people in your life you can trust above others, the folks you can (hopefully) depend on when you need support in life. They’re the people you go to with the good news, the bad news, the not-news-news like that time you found a flock of crows eating a dead raccoon in the middle of the road (I promise it was really cool), and everything else in between.
But when do you draw the line between being a good friend and being a toxic codependent enabler?
I’m a big fan of friendship. My first book “How to Survive a Ghost Story” is all about a group of teens using the power of friendship to defeat an evil spirit plaguing their small town in Kansas. My next book “Fatal Flaws” also focuses on friendship in times of need, like defeating an all-powerful sentient android army (you can read more about that on May 9th, 2023). My personal friendships are the most important relationships I hold in my life. It’s important to me, and I’m sure to others, to be a good friend to the people who have chosen to allow me into their lives. But there’s a difference between being a good friend and enabling someone to live their worst lives without consequence through unquestioned support and loyalty and that difference is known as “codependency”.
By definition, codependency is “is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship” (Mental Health America) and often takes the form of “a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” (Psychology Today). Essentially, to bottle it down to the most basic essence, folks give everything they have to a relationship without regard for their personal happiness or boundaries. The people in these relationships typically do not have a strong sense of self and rely on external validation (and support) from these relationships to find their self-worth and satisfaction in life. However, this often means crossing their personal boundaries (that they typically don’t know they have) and overextending themselves emotionally to allow the relationship to function and keep the other half in the relationship happy no matter the cost.
If you’ve read Nine Liars by Maureen Johnson, the fourth addition to her tremendous Truly Devious YA mystery series, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
*Semi-spoilers for Nine Liars from this point on*
Nine Liars follows the series’ heroine Stevie as she travels to London with her best friends to visit her boyfriend and solve the mystery of nine British teenagers who experienced two of their friends dying at the hands of an ax murderer thirty years earlier. From the first chapter, it’s no surprise that the ax murderer is revealed to be a member of the nine member friend group because, lord have mercy, that friend group was one of the most toxic codependent friend groups I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. They trust each other to the point of enabling, share material possessions to the point where they can no longer claim items of their own - hell the group even shares interpersonal relationships such as romantic partners without question, failing to keep track of who dated who in the house on a regular basis. Very few members of this friend group can claim a strong sense of self because they literally lack the boundaries to allow themselves to develop this sense of self within their friendships. It’s no wonder one of the members literally murders because they grow jealous of everyone else’s place in their world that they never held themself as an equal member in. They literally could not see themself as their own person independent of the friend group and killed without mercy in an attempt to protect what little sense of self they could claim because they could not fathom any other way to survive in the world.
While it’s not explicit in the book that the friend group is seen as codependent, the absolute lack of boundaries between the group and failure for the members to establish their identities outside of this friend group makes the label apparent. However, the benefit for this friend group is that they trust and support each other in their times of need. This tight knit group of friends literally survive the world together, a force of community that holds each other through every heartbreak, pays the rent on flats together, and motivates each other to follow their dreams. Even in their adulthood, they support each other and their families with undying love and loyalty. In our society of increasing social isolation and loneliness, it’s hard to imagine how such interpersonal dedication could be toxic. Wouldn’t it be nice to always have a person to call at all times when you’re lonely, someone you could trust to drop everything and come running to your side in times of need, or just another pair of hands to help bury the body you just killed?
If the reason for any of the above is “does it stop me from dealing with the consequences of my actions”, the answer is usually “no”.
It’s important for humans to be lonely. It’s important for humans to experience discomfort from our actions or the actions of others. We cannot promise a life of eternal happiness with no pain. Pain will happen regardless of all of the emotional safety nets and fences we put up. Friends can ease that pain, but they shouldn’t be the end-all, be-all anesthesia for that discomfort. They shouldn’t be the only source of support in your life. What happens when that friend has something else going on in their life and can’t run to your side? How do you deal with the discomfort on your own? More so, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own identity and life to fit your friends’ lives either. If your friends can’t support you or your life as it is, then they’re not real friends.
I’ve been in my fair share of codependent relationships. I won’t sugarcoat my involvement in them – my people-pleasing tendencies and lack of strong self-identity often was the catalyst for such toxic connections. I’ve struggled for years to find the line between being a good friend and an over-supportive enabler who refuses to let her friends learn consequences to their actions because it’ll make them feel bad. I won’t lie either – I’m still learning those boundaries. But I’m working on it and Nine Liars is a surprisingly great example of helping me understand the difference in those boundaries.
Helping my friend’s niece find her aunt again because I’m an adult and she is a teenager is being a good friend because I’m allowing support and resources during a time of need that she cannot fulfill. Refusing to hold my friend accountable for their ax murder they committed thirty years ago is enabling because they should probably definitely go to jail for their actions that harm other lives.
See? Easy peasy.
As Nine Liars shows, having friends is great but having a good relationship with yourself and your self-esteem is better. Having friends who support you when you’re living your life as yourself rather than as a sole identity of their friend is also the best. For me, the biggest tool in overcoming my co-dependent ways and relationships is learning interdependence and establishing a better sense of self outside of external validation. I’ve personally found more satisfaction in my life and been able to hold stronger relationships by recognizing my own boundaries through this interdependence and self-love work.
I also have yet to ax murder a friend so I’d call that a win.
If you’re also looking to work on establishing interdependence or more healthy friendships/relationships, here are some of the resources that have helped me over the years. I’m also always open to hearing your suggestions for resources! You can email me or hit me up on Twitter/Instagram. You can also leave a comment on this blog post, but I can’t reply to those as easily but just know that I’ll see it but likely can’t acknowledge it for whatever reason: